Therapy Tomorrow

I have therapy tomorrow. I don't think I want to go.

Last time I was in therapy she said that she wants to start exploring the abuse. I don't think I can do it. I recognize that what I suffered through as a child does contribute to who I am as an adult, however, I don't think I can do it.

Is it possible to work through my current emotional crisis without addressing something that ended almost 20 years ago? Is it necessary to talk about something that is going to bring up all of those feelings and trauma again. Wanting to deal with the abuse is why I have stopped going to every therapist that I have gone to in the past.

Revisiting the abuse is going to hurt. It is going to hurt me, it is going to hurt my husband and it is going to hurt my son. I am afraid of becoming helpless. I am fearful that I will end up back in that dark place where I have been so many times before. I don't want to be suicidal again...I don't want to be afraid to go to sleep....I dont' want to reject my husband's advances....I don't know what to do!!

My Intro

Hi all!

My name (or at least screen name) is Abhaya. This is a Zen Buddhist name meaning fearless. I chose my screen name hoping that I can one day get to a place of being without fear.

I am 32 year old married mom of of one child. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am an abuse survivor, who still struggles with my childhood on a daily basis. I love my family and do all I can to help and support them, but am on a mission to find out who I am and just started back up to therapy after going 3 years without.

My goal with this blog is to sort through the issues that come up in therapy and work on finding who I am. As a 32 year old woman, I think is is about time to know who I am.

New Blog

Hey all. This is a new blog for me, and I will be updating and posting regularly. I will be focusing on working through trauma and mental illness in my life.